Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
