Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
