he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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