Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
