a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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