all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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