i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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