i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
is wine microwaveable?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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