Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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