dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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