did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
