So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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