Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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