Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I need a beard to bite.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
