Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
