I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
