I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
