Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
