just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
