Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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