Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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