Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
