Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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