It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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