her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
