Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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