Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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