Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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