You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
