don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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