My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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