my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
