Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
