Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
