no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
