Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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