I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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