I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
