I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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