Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
