the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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