I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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