Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
