Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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