I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
