I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
