What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
