sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
