why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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