My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
